This week was the first week of the kids being back to school. Leading up to it I think I felt like most parents, a little bit apprehensive about how they would settle back in, a little bit sad that they were heading back into being "busy" and also a little bit excited that the house would be quiet again and the fridge would stay relatively full until 3pm!
Monday morning rolled by and off they went. I walked back into the house and for the first time in 7 weeks there was not one other soul just me and the cats. If you are used to a busy household you will totally understand me when I say it's a strange feeling to be in a quiet house. The lack of movement, of different energies and noise means it feels quite hollow and empty.
I rattled around, pretending to do things but not accomplishing much. Boiled the jug, made tea and in my mind plotted what I would do (and trust me there was a huge list). Still not able to settle I picked up the phone and to my delight one of my best friends had text me "what ya up to". I called her straight back and the first words that popped out were "I'm lonely!". Ha! after all these weeks of hankering for quiet and that's the first emotion I feel. I laughed to myself, thinking you are so silly! You thought you craved space and now you've got it you can't handle it. We went for a walk and had a good chat, turns out she was feeling the same way.
Isn't it interesting that we often think we know what we want but sometimes we get it wrong. It wasn't that I wanted space, what I really wanted was company with no fighting, no asking for food and to not have to tidy the house up more than once each day!
Realising the truth of what I craved, made it much easier to then appreciate the quiet. Yes it was good i was missing the kids themselves but I also had to make the most of being on my own time for 6 hours! Rather than forcing myself to do what I thought I should be doing I sat quietly, with yet another cup of tea, and let the heart speak. Go and do some yoga, the rest can wait. Excellent!
Off into the studio I went and I decided to do what felt good rather than what I had planned. Using my practice to find my centre, my breath and grounding I was finally starting to feel comfortable in my own space and my own thoughts. I settled into the rest of the day, moving easily through the chores, the work and the quiet spaces. With a clear insight into the aspects I was enjoying about being home alone I made the most of the day. Readying myself for the return of the kids by making sure that everything I had to get done was finished so I could be fully present with them and connect to each of them.
The lesson I took from all of this was that it is important to really explore emotions, to go into them and see what is driving them. Often we react to the upper layer but with a bit of time and thought the true emotion will come through and once we discover what it actually is that is bothering us it doesn't seem nearly as big or scary as it originally appeared. Next time you are sitting in your first reaction take a deep breath and ask yourself "what is this really about?" Your answer will be liberating.